Demotivational post of the day

I thought I was doing something good with my life but now I don’t know any more. I feel like I’m on a steady journey but I don’t feel like I’m living. Even in the most inspirational career path I still feel like there’s something missing. A part of me believes that travel will fix this, but I have travelled through Europe and Asia and I have come home revived with a new appreciation for life – but it is never permanent. I almost feel a detachment from who I thought I was going to become and how I really am.

Moaning to my dear mother, I proclaimed, “Everything is boring! Everyone is boring!”. Her response being, “You need love in your life”.

Kind and true words but I have searched for love and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t continue to look for it. But I feel like it’s all wasted energy for my progress in ‘love’ is the same today as it was a year ago.

People seldom capture my attention any more. I find them stock-standard and mundane. Not only that, but somehow I have developed into this unique person (certainly not a bad thing) but simultaneously this unique person is so different that she has trouble developing close relationships with people.

Perhaps it’s through all the changes that come with growing up, graduating and all that, the heartbreaks and the losses. Sometimes I feel as if I lost more from the friendships that ceased than I learnt from them. I lost the ability to easily bring people close to my heart. Sometimes I can feel that part of me that can warm to people so naturally come back, and when she returns it is bliss – I feel bliss. But she never stays for long. She goes and I find myself stuck in friendships that I fear and curse to let close to my heart.

I am no longer the girl I used to be, moving into my 20s next year it’ll be a new beginning but it frightens me where I’m  heading to. I used to be so sure of myself but as each day goes by I feel an ounce of confidence slither away from me into a locked jar named ‘the past’.

I speak of the past in such minuscule terms because for each person we really can go through life without making any noticeable dent in this universe. Of course there’s all our carbon emissions and the technical side to it, but what about when every person we have ever met has died? Every thing we created has been destroyed? Then what was it all for? 

Sure, the history books will tell of our ‘great’ leaders. Those who were loved and those who were feared, but are those stories written of those people truth? Is anything written in history how it really was? I could write of people I’ve known and events that have occurred, but it would be nothing but my perspective on such things. There is no universal monitor of the truth, a corrector, a peacekeeper or a resolver. We often foolishly believe what we hear or read as if honesty is a universal language. I am almost here to believe that the honest truth of any story is more fictitious than the story itself. That is, the bias smothered over each scenario is so thick that the scenario itself is in clear view to no one who sees it. 

Simultaneously, it’s not common knowledge but necessarily should be that society is a man-made creation. Every thing that we believe exists because of judgement, praise, jealousy, desire, and the list goes on. I think the reason why many humans have problems accepting other cultures is because they have been constructed differently from that of their own. The social norms are different because the priorities and ideologies of those regions viewed certain concepts as more important than others. That is how we grow as people and as nations. It may not be positive growth or well-meaning, but once it’s infectiousness hits it will take generations and generations to repair.

A change in thinking, a change in events.

I have this wonderful feeling inside that something great is on it’s way. I feel like each day it’s getting closer and I get more and more excited as time goes by.

An idea I’ve agreed with for a long time is that life is an endless spiral of positives and negatives, and sometimes I tend to focus on the fact that it’s inevitable that something undesirable will happen. Not knowing what is in store for me causes me great anxiety on a poor day, but what I need to learn to remember is that, essentially, bad things are going to happen. It’s quite a pessimistic viewpoint, but in some essence, it keeps me sane.  

I’d like to quote Helen Keller where she says:

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.

I think that this quote covers many of my thoughts. Primarily that life can be tough (as each of us already know), but with the bad also comes the good, and that there is a process to reach it. My, we cannot have the good without the bad.

We all have our sparks of hope, perhaps an individual, a creature, a career, a journey – the list goes on.  Our emotions are such powerful things and often we cannot control them and fight to contain them. I know that each human both alive or dead has been through a struggle. I think that all of us know what it’s like to force yourself out of bed, push through a difficult event or to find reasons to keep on going.

Something that I’ve learnt recently is that you are never alone. There is always someone else out there searching for the strength to get through the day too. To know that there is help out there is crucial. We are humans and we all feel in some way or another. Never think that you are battling alone. Be there for others as you wish for them to be for you. As Plato said:

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

Well Plato, how right you are. In some aspect it’s like when you hit ‘rock bottom’. Personally, I’m a fan of hitting ‘rock bottom’. Am I crazy? Perhaps. To me it means that things simply cannot get worse; they can only get better. From then on my thinking becomes totally altered. In some sense, I think I manage with hitting ‘rock bottom’ better than I manage with ‘falling off the edge and being caught on a branch half way down, uncertain whether I should just keep falling or start pulling myself up’. With ‘rock bottom’ I know that the only way to go is up, and I take advantage of that. The other option… not so easy.

I have grown great admiration for people that can smile and put others first even when they are struggling themselves. I think this is an incredible trait. I often think about how easy it is to frown. I’m certain that every one of us has something they’re unhappy with, perhaps a regret or an unexpected turn of events. Are you reading this and thinking ‘there is something I’m unhappy with in my life’? If so, you are not alone. It is so easy to frown because all of us know how to and all of us can find a reason to. It’s easy. What’s hard is to find the positives in the negatives, even if they’re the needle in the hay stack. Because good things and bad things are really not separate events. They are the weightings of one event or situation that make up the many we will all encompass throughout our lives. It’s what you hang onto from your experiences that changes you.

I find the best way to find the positives in the negatives is by keeping busy. I’ve spent the last 10 months overloading myself with work and volunteer positions that were truly wonderful. I’ve spent many months looking for new things to do and finding things that I’m happy with. Even in times where I felt hopeless (or plain sad) I knew that there was somewhere for me to go or a job for me to do that was valued. Most of the work that I do changes my thinking and is very rewarding.

I’m starting a new volunteer project next  week and I’m looking for work in children’s arts classes, I’ve begun exercising and (for the first time) I’ve begun watching what I eat. I’m happy with the path I’m on working on my outer self, but now it’s time for my inner self. I feel like what’s ahead for me isn’t another job or another hobby, perhaps a new personality or a charismatic character.

To quote both West Side Story and the fantastic remake by one of my favourite artists, Darren Criss:

Could it be? Yes, it could. Something’s coming, something good. If I can wait!
Something’s coming, I don’t know what it is, but it is gonna be great!

Perhaps I’m wrong in saying that something good is simply coming, perhaps something good is coming because I’ve laid down the path for it and I’m ready for welcome it in. Whatever is ahead, I will work towards to accept into my life and make the most of. As someone just told me tonight, “the only thing certain is uncertainty”. How true. I don’t really know what’s ahead, I only know what I have now (if that).

Nevertheless, I’m looking out for the positives in the future to come. Even then, where’s the joy in a roller-coaster ride without a few bumps and spins along the way?

Julia