Adventure

“I’d like to repeat the advice that I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.

If you want to get more out of life, Ron, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty. And so, Ron, in short, get out of Salton City and hit the Road. I guarantee you will be very glad you did. But I fear that you will ignore my advice. You think that I am stubborn, but you are even more stubborn than me. You had a wonderful chance on your drive back to see one of the greatest sights on earth, the Grand Canyon, something every American should see at least once in his life. But for some reason incomprehensible to me you wanted nothing but to bolt for home as quickly as possible, right back to the same situation which you see day after day after day. I fear you will follow this same inclination in the future and thus fail to discover all the wonderful things that God has placed around us to discover.

Don’t settle down and sit in one place. Move around, be nomadic, make each day a new horizon. You are still going to live a long time, Ron, and it would be a shame if you did not take the opportunity to revolutionize your life and move into an entirely new realm of experience.

You are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living.

My point is that you do not need me or anyone else around to bring this new kind of light in your life. It is simply waiting out there for you to grasp it, and all you have to do is reach for it. The only person you are fighting is yourself and your stubbornness to engage in new circumstances.”
― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

I knew something was different when I didn’t even think to make a wish when I cut my 20th birthday cake.

“I suppose I’m a lapsed Catholic. You would consider me an atheist or agnostic. I find religion and spirituality fascinating. I would like to believe this isn’t the end and there’s something more, but I can’t convince the rational part of me that makes any sense whatsoever.
George R. R. Martin

My healthy lifestyle

Loving myself, my persistence and strength.

I began daily exercise just under a week before Christmas 2012. The Thursday to be exact. I started with my first class of hot yoga with the goal of endurance and strength. Not pushing myself too hard and embracing the experience.

My second class I praised myself for making it to the class. As I do with every class I am proud of myself for being there and for taking care of my body.

Over the Christmas period I began c25k and I’ve developed the time I run from 30 seconds to 90 seconds – pushing myself for 2 minutes solid. I can do it!

Yoga was closed over Christmas and I was invited to the gym with my brother who introduced me to the treadmill and a whole range of muscle building exercises. I’m very grateful to have this experience.

Just a month ago I would flex my biceps and they would look no different from when they were not flexed. Each day I am surprised and so proud of the muscle I’ve developed on my arms, the weight I’ve lost on the sides of my stomach and the development of my once non existent leg muscles.

Exercise has made me more confident. I’m more aware of what I’m putting into my body. The majority of snacks I eat are fruits or oat slices. I’ve found a great protein recipe for tuna which I love eating. I do not eat fast food. And rarely will I drink soft drink.

On New Years Day me and my friends went to McDonald’s for hangover food. I am so happy with my strength in denying that disgusting food. All 4 of my friends ate burgers fries and drank soft drinks and I did not have a bite! Just last night I watched Super Size Me. I know that if its not healthy to eat fast food each day then it’s not healthy to eat it at all. This movie really strengthened my belief that I am an example! To the children I teach and to my future children. Obesity leads to so many diseases, cancers and bodily disfunctions. My body is my temple. And I will not poison it.

(Even after a big New Years Eve celebration I put my running shoes on and had a wonderfully refreshing and fulfilling run!)

You have never EVER tried everything. Never give up eating and exercising – routines will get boring, so try something new!! The most common excuse people exclaim for their obesity is that they had tried everything. Again: you have NEVER tried everything.

After Christmas I went to yoga and found it difficult to concentrate. I was not happy with my session but I was and am not prepared to give up. Regressions happen and some days might not be so good, but this is no reason to fold. My goal for this session was to think of what my goals were for the year ahead. These were to develop patience and kindness with myself and others. My instructor Sue said not to set resolutions because they imply that there’s something wrong with you. Set achievable goals that build confidence rather than unrealistic resolutions that you’ll most likely fail to achieve.

Tonight I went to yoga after my first day back at work from a 3 week break. My work provokes many thoughts in my mind and I find my head is very busy when I finish. Developing concentration away from work is so important for my mental clarity and peace of mind. I am so happy with yoga tonight. I pushed myself and persisted. My goals were to be patient with myself and others. This was really effective in difficult exercises. I was not judgmental of other class members and my focus was better than usual. In breath I repeated that I am strong. I am strong. I am strong. At the end of class I experienced a satisfying meditation. My body was at rest and I was just my breath. I imagined myself as the earth. And as a tree. In my life as a tree I had grown through the seasons to have many branches, leaves and life throughout my body. I was patient with myself through the cold months I lost my leaves, watching them grow again. Growing arms one by one. I was patient with the birds and their nests who grew on my arms. I watched them build and watched them learn to fly. I had patience.

I am aiming to achieve kindness and peace in my mind, and diminishing hatred or negativity that lives in my heart. Love to all humans and creatures.

A year from now you will thank yourself for starting today! Giving up is not an option. Continue doing well and see where it gets you. The best is yet to come.

I have changed my life

Good health and fitness is a lifestyle. This is not a diet. This is not a phase. I will not give up. I want to look good and I want to feel good. Exercising makes me feel confident and strong. When I exercise I know that I am helping myself. It is never a burden. I do not want to be overweight or have diabetes or a heart attack. Exercising now will change my life. I am an example. I will never choose sitting still over exercising. Looking after my health is the most important thing in my life. My health is my life. To summarise an old quote, I don’t want to waste my life making money and eventuate to wasting my money to save my life.

I can do this. And I will. My health comes first!

This moment’s feeling

How I wound love to live in this moment for ever. This beautiful feeling of happiness I can feel circling my mind and flowing through to my heart – passing through my blood stream.

This past week has been a challenge. In fact, the last five months have been a challenge. I began working as a swimming teacher and my life has changed immensely. This week particularly I have felt as if this job is one of the best things to ever happen to me. I’ve been brought to tears, got more kicks in the crotch and boob grabs than your usual job, been tested to my limits, and through all of it I feel so incredibly fortunate. What makes my job is seeing children faces turn from concern or distress to cheerfulness. The smiles of my kids are playing through my mind as we laugh together and it makes me happy. It really does. This is what makes me happy.

I look back on where I began with such little knowledge, and I see myself now – the incredible progress I have made, and my will to continue learning. I am proud of myself. I am so proud. In this moment nothing could make me happier. Right now I know that my hard efforts have paid off and will continue to if I keep working hard.

To summarise briefly, I have been working with 8 classes of students each Saturday morning for 2 terms. And the students who I’ve been with have really grown on me and I feel that they’ve become fond of me. I feel this through the disciplinary aspect of my class. I have many students who listen to me and love to participate in activities with me. In fact, today I worked with a student I had never met before who was in tears when we met. I smiled and introduced myself, and instantly she smiled back and was hardly reluctant to get in the water with me. Her mum was concerned for her which I could see on her expression. I had a fun class with her, sang songs and played games; she really loved being in the water with me. Each time I looked up her mum had a ginormous smile across her face and a look of relief in her eyes. Nevertheless, I arrived at work last week to find out I would no longer have these 8 classes on a Saturday as I’m training in a new program. Breaking this news to some of the kids was harder to say than I thought it would be. A new teacher took my classes and I instructed her on the attitudes and strengths of my students.

I arrived at work this morning at 730am and my deck supervisor had informed me that my first class of students were not happy with the new teacher and that they wanted me back. She said they loved how I worked with their kids, and both kids and parents had become attached to me. Hearing this filled me with little sadness, however I also finally felt like I was doing something right. For so long I spent wondering if I was a good teacher, and it’s not really a question one can ever answer – but this made me feel that little bit more confident that I was truly a part of someone’s life and that I had made a positive difference for them.

Other positive influences this week included one of my dearest students. Her parents are so precious and I absolutely adore their family. I spoke to my student’s mum mentioning that I wouldn’t be returning to the class, she was upset by the news but excited about my new opportunity elsewhere in the pool. I mentioned that her new teacher was nice, and she replied “they’re all very nice, but you are very special to Ella”. Beautifully, beautifully heart warming.

Other delights included a mum whose baby I was working with. I’m only new to baby teaching and she has been lovely. She is open to her child having a relationship with me and she’s comfortable with me around. A few days ago I said hello to her baby and she said to him, “you like Julia, don’t you?” Adorable boy. Similarly I had a child around 2 on Friday morning who usually hated jumps. But when I was helping he would have a turn. His mum turned to me and said “usually he dislikes these a whole lot but he’s doing them, I think it’s because you’re here”. On the same day a very shy girl who took a long time to speak to her old teacher started smiling and playing with me. This I was surprised by as I’d been told she wasn’t too eager on new people, but it is such a lovely feeling when shy children are comfortable with you.
My final anecdote is of a father and baby who has been in the class I’ve been training in for 2 months. He’s been there each week and I find that most parents are wary of me because
I’m a) young and b) new. However this father was the total opposite. Each week he’d ask how my progress was going and would encourage me to run the class. He’s sit with me and talk about teaching kids. A truly supportive father which is really beautiful to see.

All these different things make me happy. They stick in my mind and remind me of how far I have come and, excitingly, how far I have to go.
The journey ahead may be tricky but I can do it. Always remember, you can do hard things.

Goodbye

Walking with her from her unit to my car. She bursts into tears. I say “don’t cry you’ll make me cry” and I burst into tears too. We don’t get far before we stop walking and she opens her arms and gives me an enormous hug. And we cry together. I thank her for the most amazing year and all the fun times we have shared, that its because of her the year has been so good, and that next time we see each other we will have fun times again. She cries and says that I am the best. She says “you are beautiful and don’t you let anyone ever tell you otherwise”. And we hug and cry many more times. We agree that the times we had were great and they were great memories, announce that we’ll miss each other. And we love each other. As I open my car door I say “I love you” and she replies “I love you”. I open my windows to wave goodbye and she waves back. I indicate and pull out and as I drive off I look in my mirror to see her standing facing my car with her right hand over her heart.

I feel like it’s more and more often that I tell myself “nothing is going right for me right now”.

The words “but it will” do not help. You are not helping.

Parenting. What not to do.

It’s unfortunate when a friend of your father’s comes over and says “Your dad always tells me all about his new job. Does he tell you all about it too?”  and my answer is “No, he doesn’t”.

We live in the same house and depending on your definition of a conversation, it’s hard to say if we’ve actually had one in years. People always tell me how much he talks about me and how much he loves me, but actions speak louder than words. I feel like he’s proud of this fictitious version of a daughter he wish he had who wants to live at home until she’s married, baptise her children, and marry a boy that only he approves of. He picks out the parts of me that he approves of and throws the rest away. He could tell you about what I do for a job and my university degree, but if you were to ask him any question outside the simple facts of a career he would have little to say.

It is exhaustingly difficult to live with someone who doesn’t appreciate you for who you are. I have a lot of ideas and aspirations for my future, none of which are welcome to be heard or accepted by him. Every new dream I have is easily aborted in it’s first days of life by the mere disheartening that comes with someone shunning your deepest hopes you had the courage to share. I struggle to admit that my dreams are becoming few and few as I feel I’m giving in, being sucked into a small-town vacuum of repetition and unstable stability.

Each day I fight my own pessimistic thoughts but it becomes harder after each blow knowing that the dreams I have for my future aren’t worth enough even to be heard. Many people don’t understand this. In the words of my brother, “people who have parent issues have no idea compared to us”. It is not a battle we are having with him for it cannot be won. Both of us know that there’s a dark spot where his love for us was that developed as we grew out of childhood and became our own people. When I used to tell people this, the first response, each and every time, was that he’s just finding it hard to adjust to us growing up – and that he misses us as children. I’m not sure why people think this helps, reassuring me that I have done wrong through something out of my control. What did he think was going to happen when we grew up? Surely someone had told him that children don’t stay children for ever.

It makes me nauseated when people tell me what they want their children to be like when they grow up, because I feel like I had those expectations on my shoulders and I failed. To have a burden like that on your shoulders is hard to recognise and later accept; something that I have not yet achieved.

People tell me that he will grow out of it, and that it’s just a ‘stage’. How long is a ‘stage’? Is five years enough? Or should we continue for a few more? Do not dare tell me it is a stage. I apologise for such a cliche, but if I look at this as a tunnel I do not see a light. There are no improvements, no efforts to change, or understandings to be made.

People tell me, “you two clash because you are so similar”. This too makes my battle harder. Do you really think I want to live my life knowing that I share such similarities with a person who doesn’t wish their children happy birthdays, doesn’t attend school formals, doesn’t congratulate good marks, doesn’t celebrate new jobs, new relationships, or new ideas? If I ever make my children feel the way that this person has made me, I will announce myself as a failure of a parent. Parenting doesn’t stop at a certain age. Surely, parents responsibilities change in their children’s lives once they grow older and desire for their own independence – but being a good parent is recognising this, knowing your child, and helping them achieving their dreams. A good parent does not silence or ignore their child for weeks at a time for suggesting paths afar from the mundane.

I don’t know if living here each day makes me stronger or weaker, but the fact that I’m still here is in itself something to celebrate.